Totally Uninformed: Week 8 2014 #NFL game #Picks

I have come to the conclusion that anyone saying a game is a lock or for sure win hasnt watched any football this year.  No one is a for sure winner anymore.

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   Even the Legion of Boom couldnt stop the hapless Rams… no one saw that coming.

Thursday Night:
San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos
   So all we hear about in news and ads for the game is that the broncos are playing tonight.  Yet almost every  ad doesnt say who they are playing.  Even with SD on TNF i still say TNF sucks.  Also, as i said week 2, the chargers always play to the level of the competition.  Tonight is no different.
San Diego 27 – Denver 24

Sunday:
Detroit Lions vs. Atlanta Falcons
  No one cares… at all. 
Detroit 25 – Atlanta 17

St. Louis Rams vs. Kansas City Chiefs
   Who do the Rams think they are? Im guess a letdown is in order now as the Chiefs come ready to play after the big win vs SD last week.
Kansas City 30 – St. Louis 20

Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Titans
   I cant believe they are still allowing Tennessee to play football… Houston will win but it wont be pretty…
Houston 17 – Tennessee 12

Minnesota Vikings vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  The excitement for this game is absurd forget Manning and Rivers… forget anything else, instead come watch what bad football looks like.
TB will feel like losing less as these who gets the top draft pick in 2015 juggernauts battle.
Tampa Bay 21 – Minnesota 14

Seattle Seahawks vs. Carolina Panthers
   Who knows wtf will happen here.  Shitty Seattle might show up… even so shitty seattle is light years better than top shelf carolina.
Seattle 30 – Carolina 10

Baltimore Ravens vs. Cincinnati Bengals
    We all understand now that the Bengals are just a slightly above average team right? 
Baltimore 23 – Cincinnati 10

Miami Dolphins vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
   Every part of me wants to ride the Jaguars bus after their big win against Cleveland. Alas, it is not to be this week.  Miami easy.
Miami 34 – Jacksonville 3

Chicago Bears vs. New England Patriots
   Yep… even with Cutler the bears suck past week 7.  Although i am surprised he is still playing. 4 picks this week is in the forecast.
New England 31 – Chicago 19

Buffalo Bills vs. New York Buttfumbles
  Percy who?  Doesnt matter because there is Orton.
Buffalo 19 – New York 17

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Arizona Cardinals
   Fuck you Filthydelphia for not being better than the Cowboys…
Arizona 23 – Philadelphia 20

Oakland Raiders vs. Cleveland Browns
   Awww snap. We got another fine ass football game here.  You cant evem handle it as Cleveland continues to hand out wins to winless teams.
Oakland 20 – Cleveland 14

Indianapolis Colts vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
   Terrible towels represnt everything Pittsburgh as in how terrible the team really is.  They are no match for the Colts.
Indianapolis 34 – Pittsburgh 19

Green Bay Packers vs. New Orleans Saints
   Its great to watch the Aints play aint it?  Cause they aint gonna beat Rodgers and the Pack.
Green Bay 31 – New Orleans 24

Monday Night:
Washington Redskins vs. Dallas Cowboys
   Hell ya… cowboys vs indians.  Except these indians are armed with a Colt.  Dallas is due for a loss and today is that day. 
Washington 21 – Dallas 20

   There ya have it kids.  Week 8 is in the books.  Hope you all have a kick ass football weekend and #BoltUp tonight.
   -Cortical


   

  

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Totally Uninformed: Week 7 2014 #NFL game #Picks

Better late than never.  Lets just start this out by saying until the Dallas Cowboys finish better than 8 and 8 i am not considering them a top 5 team.  I dont care if they beat the seahawks.

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   The Raiders gave us a scare last week.  Thankfully super hero Jason Verrett swooped in and saved us all at the last minute. 
   Anyways enough rambling, i only got 20 minutes to write this thing.

   Thursday Night (boo)
New York Buttfumbles
          Vs.
New England Patriots
  Watch Bones and then take an early night to go to bed.  This one will hurt to watch.
New England 37 – New York 17

   Sunday
Atlanta Falcons
          Vs.
Baltimore Ravens
  The battle between the teams that smushed the Buccaneers.  Sadly for the Falcons today wont be their day as the Ravens roll.
Baltimore 26 – Atlanta 17

Tennessee Titans
          Vs.
Washington Redskins
   Maybe NBC is showing swimming?
Washington 19 – Tennessee 14

Seattle Seahawks
          Vs.
St. Louis Rams
  After an embarrassing home game vs the cowgirls the Seahawks get to play the up and down Rams in a game that will be called “a good morale boost for the seahawks”
Seattle 30 – St. Louis 20

Cleveland Browns
          Vs.
Jacksonville Jaguars
  Cleveland has been playing hard and turned out to be a not crappy team.  Jacksonville has been really bad and as of late has just played bad. I think this week is when they step up to mediocre and shock the Browns with average game planning and somewhat consistent play.  The Browns won thier super bowl and will fuck this game up and remind thier fans that they are still the Browns.
Jacksonville 21 – Cleveland 17

Cincinnati Bengals
          Vs.
Indianapolis Colts
   Shoot out here we come!  If you like scoring this is your game.  The NFL wants every game to be this way.
Indianapolis 40 -Cincinnati 35

Minnesota Vikings
          Vs.
Buffalo Bills
  2 teams in the middle of below average seasons meet to figure out who is gonna get a better draft pick.
Buffalo 16 – Minnesota 14

Miami Dolphins
          Vs.
Chicago Bears
  After their discount doublechecking by the Packers they get to take on the Packs twin brother the Bears.  Expect a similar result.
Chicago 23 – Miami 20

New Orleans Saints
          Vs.
Detroit Lions
   Whatever, the Aints suck and literally 17 people care about the Lions.
Detroit 30 – New Orleans 24

Carolina Panthers
          Vs.
Green Bay Packers.
   Now Carolina gets to watch how a real QB plays and wins. 
Green Bay 27 – Carolina 20

Kansas City Chiefs
          Vs.
San Diego Chargers
   This game is big.  The Chargers mired with injuries and barely skating past the LolRaiders last week now get to take on a rested Chiefs team that is not a pushover.  This one makes me nervous because it could go either way really easily
San Diego 30 – Kansas City 28

Arizona Cardinals
          Vs.
Oakland Raiders
  The LolRaiders showed last week they have the ability to hang around.  Can they do it over and over or was last week a flash in the pan? Gonna be a tough one for the Raiders.
Arizona 24 – Oakland 17

New York Giants
          Vs.
Dallas Cowboys
  Tale of two teams here. One was embarassed and the other pulled out a gutsy win. The non stop cowboy chatter all week has driven me mad…

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Its the perpetually 8 and 8 cowboys. Stop crowning them after week 6.  Good lord…
New York 27 – Dallas 24

San Francisco 49ers
          Vs.
Denver Broncos
   Sorry niners, your inconsistent play will be your downfall here. I am smelling a record not only broken but crushed. 
Denver 38 – San Francisco 14

Monday Night
Houston Texans
          Vs.
Pittsburgh Steelers
  Im sure on paper before the season started this was an awesome matchup.  But the Steelers suck and the Texans can only play JJ Watt for so many downs.  Expect to be watching Scorpion or something.
Houston 17 – Pittsburgh 13

Bye week: Eagles, Buccaneers  (thank god)

Thats football… i am always right except when im wrong.

-Cortical

Ps… fuck the cowboys

 
   

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A letter to the #NFL owners

Dear NFL owners,
   None of my childen will ever see one of your teams live, as will many many other kids. You might wonder why, its the ticket price, im sorry because as much as i would love to take my kids to a single game i cant justify the hundreds of dollars it would cost me just for tickets. Then costs for parking and all the other things involved in making an NFL enjoyable for a child would put me over a thousand dollars for a single afternoon. A thousand fucking dollars.  Instead i can take a 4 day trip and show my kids around the country. 

   Now i know for you this is meaningless because you have absured tv and sponsor contrats raking in tons of cash as well as ticket prices.  Why does going to a game matter you might ask, well for many kids, falling in love and becoming an NFL fan was solidified when they got to enjoy a game with thier father or mother live.  For now this is meaningless but these kids are the future of your fanbase or even the future of your league. 
   Year in and year out, even with rising revenue from tv contracts and advertising you still raise the ticket prices. All you do is grab and grab for more of our money.  I know i am not the only person that feels this way.  Between jackass players commiting crimes and owners and the league covering their asses or blacking out games on tv in fear of losing even a single dollar, coupled with the prices for games its very hard to be motivated to even watching the games on tv.
   Thats my rant on this, i miss going to NFL games but it just wont ever be in the cards with how the league is run.

-Cortical

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Totally Uninformed: Week 6 2014 #NFL game #Picks

Welp, football happened. I said some stuff would happen and it did and sometimes it didn’t. What can ya do… at least I’m not the Jets.

Jets Chargers FootballLets get this over with because i want to enjoy all your tears as long as possible when i say stuff you don’t like.

 

  Thursday Night “Football”:

Indianapolis Colts

vs

Houston Texans

On paper i can hear you all now… “finally the routes will end tonight!  this will be a good game”  WRONG!  Look at all the games, outside of the steelers/ravens game all were Team A with a professional QB and good team work ethic vs Team B who has a suspect QB and a young question mark team. Team A looks prepared Team B gets fucked in the ass.  This is what we have here. The Colts will be pros and be ready and the Texans will wander the field until they are screaming GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!

Indianapolis 40 – Houston 12

Sunday:

Pittsburgh Steelers

vs

Cleveland Browns

Thank the holy maker i will be at work and have no chance of accidently seeing this game on TV.  No one cares, not even the players Moms, everyone is just like “play your game and quietly tell us who won without any details please”

Pittsburgh 15 – Cleveland 6

New England Patriots

vs

Buffalo Bills

I am so sorry Buffalo, you guys get to be the Pats smack doll this week, you can thank the idiot press making Brady all mad and shit. If you score more than 10 points outside of garbage time i will be shocked.  but go ahead and carry Schwartz off the field again… he will need the help after the pounding you will all take.

New England 36 – Buffalo 19

Carolina Panthers

vs

Cincinnati Bengals

Carolina sucks and no amount of words that dont involve the sentence Carolina Panthers: Super Bowl Champions will change my mind. They got lucky as INT Jay showed up last week.  The Bengals just had an ill timed game against mad Brady.  They are still a force.

Cincinnati 31 – Carolina 20

Jacksonville Jaguars

vs

Tennessee Titans

Hey Jags mascot, next time write “Towels have Oakland Fans” instead.  cause that’s worse and wont land you in the hot seat. I thought for sure last week would be the Blake Bortles party.  but it wasnt.  This week vs a shitty Titans team who might be as bad as the Raiders.  Let the Blake Bortles Era begin!

Jacksonville 19 – Tennessee 13

Green Bay Packers

vs

Miami Dolphins

R E L A X… The Pack win easily.

Green Bay 28 – Miami 17

Detroit Lions

vs

Minnesota Vikings

Yeah… this game is probably the hardest game to pick.  So i will wing it and say

Minnesota 19 – Detroit 19 (Yes, a Tie!)

Denver Broncos

vs

New York Buttfumbles

Week two of the shut out streak continues  Peyton throws 6 TDs.

Denver 38 – New York 0

Baltimore Ravens

vs

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Again watch as the Bucs take another team to the edge, but this time they are at home and come out with a win.  They arent as bad as everyone thinks they just got caught in the short week shitstorm that is TNF,

Tampa Bay 22 – Baltimore 19

San Diego Chargers

vs

Oakland Raiders

Fresh off their ball funeral, the Raiders… what am i saying… fuck the Raiders.  even the injury ravaged Chargers have no worries here

San Diego 25 – Oakland 3

Chicago Bears

vs

Atlanta Falcons

Is Hester playing?  i hope so cause i got a feeling hes gonna shove it up the Bears ass.  Chicago is a poor ass team that has a second rate over hyped QB. Jay Cutler is just what would happen if Rex Grossman could have thrown the ball further than 20 yards.  Bears choke, Cutler throws 3 picks.

Atlanta 21 – Chicago 14

Dallas Cowboys

vs

Seattle Seahawks

Really… in the 12th man noise Romo throws 4 picks and people go back to wondering why he a NFL QB again.

Seattle 33 – Dallas 10

Washington Racistskins

vs

Arizona Cardinal

Does Arizona even have a QB anymore?  Does it matter vs the Redskins?  Will anyone watch this game?

Arizona 17 – Washington 14

New York Giants

vs

Philadelphia Eagles

With the sudden influx of new fans that have always been Giants fans and not Jets fans but forgot to cheer i guess the Giants come out swinging and Dur Dur Manning has a lights out game  Like play him if hes your fantasy guy and shit.

New York 34 – Philadelphia 31

 

Monday Night Football

San Francisco 49ers

vs

St. Louis Rams

HAHAHAHA   MNF gets the shaft with a crappy matchup!  get some flex scheduling for these guys.  It wont be a game Mister Overrated Colin Kapernick will look like a great player and the Niners walk on the Rams

San Francisco 30 – St. Louis 19

BYE WEEK: Saints and Chiefs

There ya go again!  6 weeks in a row.  Look, this isnt that hard, why do you sports writes act like this shit is hard.  Its like weather predicting, just say whatever and if your right…gloat, if your wrong just chalk it up to bad forecasts or something!   Im gonna be a sports writer if i ever decided to grow up… EDITOR!  HELP  TYPOS!

-Cortical

 

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Totally Uninformed: #NFL Power Rankings through 4 weeks.

This is where through no scientific means I tell you who is the best teams in the league.  I have not read other peoples power rankings yet so I have nothing besides the highlights I saw the last 4 weeks.  So before we get to it… heres Kyle Orton.

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1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Arizona Cardinals
3. Seattle Seahawks
4. San Diego Chargers
5. Denver Broncos
6. Philadelphia Eagles
7. Baltimore Ravens
8. Detroit Lions
9. Houston Texans
10. Dallas Cowboys
   I know… Detroit and Dallas in a top 10.

11. Indianapolis Colts
12. San Francisco 49ers
13. Miami Dolphins
14. Green Bay Packers
15. New England Patriots
16. New Orleans Saints
17. Atlanta Falcons
18. Kansas City Chiefs
19. Pittsburgh Steelers
20. Carolina Panthers
   Maybe I have no idea what im doing. Or maybe I do. Heres the rest of the worst.

21. New York Giants
22. New York Jets
23. St. Louis Rams
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
25. Chicago Bears
26. Tennessee Titans
27. Cleveland Browns
28. Minnesota Vikings
29. Buffalo Bills
30. Jacksonville Jaguars
31. Washington Redskins
32. Oakland Raiders

   I considered adding a 33. and putting the Raiders there and leaving 32. blank. Anyways. Read em and weep.  Probably cause I ranked your team lower than 1. 

-Cortical

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Totally Uninformed: Week 5 2014 #NFL game #picks.

   Thank you Tampa Bay for making me right as probably the only person on earth to pick you to beat the Squeelers at home.  It was another week with what felt like an excessive amount of bad games played all around.  Which keeps all the predicting out of wack. I mean come on, no one woulda predicted the Chiefs to decimate the Pats so easily.

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   Anyways, lets get on with it while Im still in the mood. 

   Thursday Night:
Minnesota Vikings
            Vs.
Green Bay Packers
  There is no reason to see an end to the streak of terrible games on Thursday Night stop here.  Thankfully we only get a small dose of Trent Dilfer on tv.
Green Bay 44 – Minnesota 10

   Sunday:
Chicago Bears
         Vs.
Carolina Panthers
  Chicago has no defense, luckily for them Carolina had no offense.  The entire game will hinge solely on which Jay Cutler shows up.  Pssst….it will be TD Jay and not INT Jay.
Chicago 21 – Carolina 17

Cleveland Browns
          Vs.
Tennessee Titans
   Wow, this should be just an amazing game. So amazing that I reccomend you avoid it like ebola.
Cleveland 13 – Tennessee 9

St. Louis Rams
          Vs.
Philadelphia Eagles
   See what happens when the Eagles play a whole game? Yep they lose.  Look for them to return to only playing the second half and easily beating the Rams after making them look good in the first half.
Philadelphia 34 – St. Louis 19

Atlanta Falcons
          Vs.
New York Giants
   I am as confused as you as to the sudden lack of mediocrity out of the Giants and Dur Dur Manning.  Also the Falcons arent all that. This should fall right into the Giants lap as an easy win.
New York 27 – Atlanta 21

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
          Vs.
New Orleans Saints
   There really is no reason to think the Saints home dominance stops because of the Bucs. The Saints will win but the newly rejuvenated Bucs will make a game out of it.
New Orleans 26 – Tampa Bay 20

Houston Texans
          Vs.
Dallas Cowboys
   Watch as JJ Watt scores multiple times this week as he decides to play QB and throw TD passes to himself… seriously, he is the best all around player in the league right now.  Dallas sucks and I can only hope they sack Romo so many times that It makes Jerry Jones cry for a 4th time.
Houston 27 – Dallas 14

Buffalo Bills
       Vs.
Detroit Lions
   The Lions nemesis returns to defeat them again.  Yes the illustrious Lion killer Kyle Orton returns to beat them yet again.  The Lions have no answer to this elite QB.
Buffalo 23 – Detroit 17

Baltimore Ravens
          Vs.
Indianapolis Colts
   Andrew Luck is on a tear vs crappy teams. Lets see if it translates whem he takes on a less crappy team.  (Spoiler alert: it does)
Indianapolis 40 – Baltimore 20

Pittsburgh Steelers
          Vs.
Jacksonville Jaguars
   All hail the Blake Bortles era. This is the week where Mr. Bortles has his coming out party and rewrites Jaguars lore bringing them to the playoffs… next year.
Jacksonville 21 – Pittsburgh 19

Arizona Cardinals
          Vs.
Denver Broncos
   Someone ate thier wheaties this season.  How long will this last for the cardinals is the big question mark.  I think it lasts this week as the Broncos are good but not as lights out as last season. 
Arizona 30 – Denver 27

Kansas City Chiefs
          Vs.
San Francisco 49ers
  Im not drinking the chiefs koolaid yet.  They had a good game vs the Pats who obviously have issues but they are the chiefs and love to fuck up.
San Francisco 31 – Kansas City 24

New York Buttfumbles
           Vs.
San Diego Chargers
   Ok, the chargers are a big question mark when it comes to running the ball.  All the wins have come simply from Rivers willing the team to win.  I saw problems with them dealing with a not so good Jags team and i dont see it getting much better until someone on the team proves they can run the ball. Cause if they cant then teams with just ignore it and stop Rivers and the receivers.
San Diego 23 – New York 20 (ot)

Cincinnati Bengals
          Vs.
New England Patriots
   Watch and see as angry Tom Brady forces the entire team not to suck and lifts his team to an amazing victory.
New England 27 – Cincinnati 24

   Monday Night:
Seattle Seahawks
           Vs.
Washington Racistskins
   Yeah… this will be hilarious to watch.
Seattle 50 – Washington 3

Bye Week
         Vs.
Oakland Raiders
Bye week 31 – Oakland 7

Bye week: Dolphins, Raiders

   There… picks are set.  Enjoy week 5 kids.  Also Fuck Thursday Night Football.

-Cortical

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Thursday Night Football sucks. An #NFL post.

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  Ok, Thursday night football is a joke.  So far each game this season has been stupid, all 4 have been somewhat to very much lopsided games.  This whole short week to prep really shows with the bad teams as both Tampa Bay and Washington got decimated each of the last 2 weeks. 
   Week 2 was somewhat tolerable (except it was a Ravens/Steelers game) until the second half when the Ravens whooped up on the Steelers.  Week 1… well its week 1 and week 1 football is kinda crappy as all the teams get back into football shape.  Maybe its time we stopped with the Thursday night games or go back to the only after week 10 or whatever.
   Anyways. I know the NFL wants all the money, but showing crappy blowouts week in and week out isnt a good thing.  On the plus side CBS has taken over the game from the terrible NFL Network for showing and calling the game… cause nothing says good times like 3 hours of Trent Dilfer talking. 
   No more TNF.  More games on Sunday afternoon and give us more basic TV options for games to watch instead of just directv/dish packages being the only way watch something in the afternoon that doesnt involve the Raiders or Kansas City.

-Cortical

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