Welcome back kids, what an exciting week of NFL football (actual football and not the circus thats happening thanks to Ray Rice and the league hierarchy). Heres the week where we all have knee jerk reations to the week 1 games when players arent yet in game shape so they have rough second halves and shit. Like how a week ago we had the Patriots as Super Bowl contenders and now we are assuming they will go 0-16 because of one game.
Anyways. Onwards to the picks and shenanigans!
Great, not only is it these 2 pathetic boring football teams playing in primetime again (fucking stop, everyone else hates these games) but now its compounded with the Ray Rice shit. I would rather watch the Jets and Raiders play… which I might just watch instead. Cant wait for an evening of social discussion while 2 of the most dirty teams play football. Atleast we might get to see another punter get kicked in the face.
Steelers 15 – Ravens 12
Miami wasnt supposed to beat the Patriots…. Buffalo wasnt supposed to beat the Bears…
But they did so by default these are the best 2 teams in the AFC East! Watch as these titans duke it out for first place! Yes, after 1 week these are a couple of the titans of the AFC!!!
Dolphins 23 – Bills 14
After the thumping the Redskins took last week from JJ Watt and the Texans I assumed they would have changed their names just out of embarassment. But they didnt because their owner is too tough to be bullied out of being a prick. I dont know if Philly sucks that much ass or if the Jags are an actual team. This game will be unwatchable so we wont be able to find out.
Jaguars 10 – Redskins 9
Hahahahhahahahhahahhaha…. Tony Romo…. hahahahhahahahhahahha
Titans 27 – Cowboys 17
New York Giants
Holy fuck the Giants suck, like badly suck. I hope we arent sending them to London as a display team for the English blokes. The Cards are a good team on the edge of being great they show that this week vs Dur Dur Manning and the hapless Giants
Cardinals 31 – Giants 10
New England Patriots
This game is curious. I assume the Pats lost because its week 1 and that first game is always rough in the 4th quarter but the Viqueens just kicked ass and I can only assume its cause the Rams were very very bad. I gotta stay with the Pats winning here cause we all know how I feel about the Vikings.
Patriots 26 – Vikings 20
New Orleans Saints
Cmon Aints, whats up fools. You gotta win games when I pick you so I dont look like a jackass. The Browns mounted a huge comeback but failed in the end vs the Steelers. Are they good? Probably not. I would like to see the special teams stick up for their punter after getting kicked in the face this time. Oh yeah. Obligitory Johnny Football mention.
Saints 30 – Browns 10 (no Manziel)
Bleah… yeah I dont care either.
Bengals 30 – Falcons 29
Yay… another “athletic” quarterback. Cant we just retitle them as shitty paasers who can run. On the plus side the running QB usually has a shortened lifespan. Yeah. Im not sold on Newton being an elite QB. Stafford could be as long as his defense doesnt make it hard on him by sucking and commiting all the penalties. We will see. Suh might need to nut shot someone or something.
Lions 37 – Panthers 21
St Louis Rams
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Are the Rams on their 3rd QB now? Not really concerned because they are gonna get beaten by the Bucs.
Buccaneers 17 – Rams 7
San Diego Chargers.
Fucking Bolts. They always seem to play to the level of the competition. Which may serve to be a positive in this game. We always manage to rise to the regular season occasion vs the best teams (then lose to the worst the next week) I would talk about Seattle but we all know they are the best and until someone beats them they are still the best. This week… they lose. SD never lets me down when it counts and isnt the playoffs.
Chargers 33 – Seahawks 30
If not for the Texans violating the Redskins I would assume this would be a crappy game, but I think maybe the Texans are kinda back. Getting to play the worst team in the NFL is just a bonus they get this week.
Texans 40 – Raiders 3
New York Buttfumbles
Green Bay Packers
The Jets are 1-0… but they played the Raiders so it doesnt actually count. The Pack got smacked by the Seahawks which I think was a wakeup call and nothing like a shitty team the week after a spanking to boost morale.
Packers 27 – Jets 12
Kansas City Chiefs
I dont even whats up with the Chiefs and really I dont care. The Broncos are better as long as their manning stays healthy.
Broncos 36 – Chiefs 20
San Francisco 49ers
Lolbears as I lovingly call them to my wife who is a fan of them really arent equiped to take on the 49ers. They can only hope to turn it into a shootout until Cutler fucks up and loses the game for them.
49ers 27 – Bears 20
This game is a total crap shoot to predict so I am just gonna go with not the Eagles.
Colts 33 – Eagles 30
There ya go. Read them and weep in all their glory. I know picking against the Seahawks seems foolish but I have the faith. Bolt Up 😉